Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
