My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
