Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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