We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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