My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
