I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
