Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
