I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
