so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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