I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
