Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
