Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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