Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
