oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize