I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
