when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize