i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
