Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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