tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
