Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She bit a glass in half.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
