You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
