You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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