just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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