I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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