Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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