your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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