You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
