WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
