Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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