I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize