I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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