i would punch a child for taco bell
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
