My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
