Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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