I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
