so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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