I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
