Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
