It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
