my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
