Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize