I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
