haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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