WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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