I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
