I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
