Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
