Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
