the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
