I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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