no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
