I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
