just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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