Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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