a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize