i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
