dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
