Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
don't judge my taste in strippers
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
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