Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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