That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He did a backflip because drugs
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
