i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
